


The Feelings Kept Hidden

by LunarEclipse



Series: The Golden Trio [5]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Bisexual Sirius Black, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Father Figures, Father-Son Relationship, Gen, Harry is a bisexual disaster in this fic, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Mild Angst, Most of this takes place during OotP, Multi, Other, Past Child Abuse, Pining, Platonic Soulmates, Polyamorous Golden Trio, Polyamorous Soulmates, Post-Canon, Sirius pined once upon a time so he understands, The Golden Trio
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-14
Updated: 2019-09-14
Packaged: 2020-10-18 13:57:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20640311
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LunarEclipse/pseuds/LunarEclipse
Summary: He loved his best friends.He loved Ron, and the way his blue eyes could light up so bright. The manic grin on his face when he was excited. The way he threw his head back when he laughed, his whole body shaking with it. The way he snored like a bear, the way he hogged the blankets when they shared a bed. The way he stood by Harry's side and swore to always be there no matter what.And Hermione.Harry loved Hermione, the way she bounced when she was excited, the way her curls bounced with her. The way she had over a dozen quills and pencils stuck in her hair when a quiz was coming up. The way she giggled, laughing so hard she started to snort. The way she always had ink stains on her hands and clothes. The way her nose crinkled when she was frustrated or disgusted. The way her hair frizzed and poofed on foggy days.He loved Ron and Hermione, he loved their cute quirks, their beautiful souls, their flaws. He loved every inch of them.When he realized this, his whole world shattered.





	The Feelings Kept Hidden

**Author's Note:**

> Two fics in two days? I hate to say it, but don't expect this to happen again heh.  
This is based off a prompt I got over two years ago on the first fic in this series, and I'm finally confident enough to bring it to life.  
"Wonderful story. There can never be enough trio love. Thanks for adding to the tag. I have a prompt idea, a panicked Harry confiding in Sirius about his conflicting love and sexual attraction to his best mates, and Sirius reassuring him that he's fine and nothing is wrong with the way he feels and maybe he should act on them. Bonus if Sirius reflects on his life and regrets not acknowledging his feelings for James and Lily when they were alive. Thanks"  
Commented by one RonsLady23  
If you end up reading this, I hope it lives up to your expectations! I really loved writing this one so thanks for the prompt!  
Onwards!  
Luna~

"You look fine! I swear, she's gonna love you." Ron effused, fiddling with the collar of Harry's jacket. Shuffling his feet, Harry nodded, looking at himself in the mirror with a small sigh.

He had his hair combed, still a wild mess no matter what they tried. (Maybe he should grow it out? He remembered hearing something about how weight and length can help unmanageable hair.) He wore a light blue button shirt and black jeans, a brown jacket over the top. Hermione had picked him out some clothes this summer at his request. He was eternally grateful for her, and she did have good taste.

Patting Harry's shoulders Ron hummed, pulling back and tugging on his pajama shirt sleeve. "It needs something." He mumbled and tilted his head, Harry felt a shiver down his spine when those blue eyes looked him up and down appraisingly. 

Ron snapped his fingers and stepped closer, Harry's heart skipped a beat, and he felt sweat begin to gather in the palms of his hands. _ Don't think. Don't think. Don't think. _

The internal mantra repeated itself over and over until it was reverberating around his skull. Ron stepped even closer, towering almost two feet taller now that they were toe to toe. Harry felt the breath fan across his nose and cheeks as Ron bent slightly and slid a hand into his hair.

Cheeks turning a ruddy red color, Harry bit his lip and closed his eyes as Ron began combing his fingers through his hair slowly, styling it as he went. Harry's eyes shot open, his lips parting in a silent gasp when Ron tugged gently.

"Sorry," Ron whispered, his voice was rough, and he was looking into Harry's eyes with a heavy look that the raven-haired teen couldn't place. Whatever the look was, it made him shudder, and he reached a trembling hand out to gently yank on Ron's sleeve, his eyes darting everywhere as the redhead continued to mess with his hair. 

Another tug, and acid green locked with sky blue. "There." Ron breathed, looking up at Harry's hair, his eyes, and then somewhere lower on his face. Harry licked his lips unconsciously and something darkened in Ron's eyes. "Perfect." He rasped.

Harry's stomach fluttered, he brushed it off. This had to be nerves. That was all. The only reason he was flustered and warm was that he was nervous about his date with Cho.

It wasn't because Ron was staring at him with something akin to hunger, it wasn't because Ron called him perfect. It was because he was nervous.

It didn't matter that Ron's eyes looked incredibly blue from up close. It didn't matter that he felt like he could get lost in those endless blue depths. _ It didn't matter _ that Ron's hand was still in his hair and that some deep part of him wanted the redhead to _ pull again. _

The door to the room opened and the two boys shot apart. Harry staggered on his feet and yelped as he crashed to the ground, knocking over the mirror with his flailing limbs.

"Harry!" He heard a crash and glass shattered, his head knocking against the dresser next to his bed so hard he saw stars behind his closed eyes.

"Harry! Are you okay?!?" Hermione's voice reached his, and he blearily blinked his eyes open, Hermione's face greeted his vision and he smiled helplessly.

"I'm okay." Hermione tutted, reaching up to straighten his askew glasses. Her hair was pulled back in a curly ponytail, a strand had fallen loose and was curled right against her dark cheek. He wanted to brush his knuckles over the smooth skin and tuck the curl behind her ear.

Jolting at his thoughts, Harry winced when pain sparked at the back of his head. Hermione's brown eyes (like warm fresh chocolate, only he was the one melting as she stared into him) narrowed and she reached up with a calloused hand to gently sweep her fingers across the back of his head.

Harry gasped in pain, shutting his eyes as she touched a sore spot. Distantly, he heard Hermione and Ron speaking to each other under their breaths, but it was hard to focus on anything other than the sharp pain in his head and the nausea curdling his stomach.

"Harry?" He felt fingers touch his cheek, larger than Hermione's but not as calloused. Ron. 

"Harry, can you hear us?" He felt woozy, and clutched his stomach as he tipped to the side. Glass crunched beneath someone's feet and before he could hit the ground he was pulled against someone's chest.

Soft, warm, arms wrapped around him, pressing his face against a soft chest, a kiss was placed on his hairline and he barely registered Ron running off.

"He's gonna get McGonagall okay Harry? You're bleeding." Hermione explained softly, and he pried his eyes open to look at her. From this angle, he could see the wand sticking out of her hair, the freckles sprinkled across her nose.

She was wearing a ratty t-shirt and pajama pants, ink stains covered the pink of her shirt and was smudged across her cheek. Sweat was covering her face and her nose was still healing from a spat with the Slytherins last week.

_ She'd never looked more beautiful. _

Maybe it was the apparently bleeding wound on his head, but Harry had the amazing idea to reach up a hand and gently tuck that stubborn lock of hair behind her ear, his thumb tracing her cheekbone as he did so. Hermione was staring at him with shocked eyes before they softened and she giggled under her breath.

"What are you doing?" She whispered softly, her hand cupping his face. Harry leaned into the grip, nuzzling her palm like a touch starved kitten. "Why are you so beautiful?" He thought. 

Hermione froze, her cheeks took on a light dusting of pink and Harry tilted his head before wincing at the movement. Sighing through her nose, Hermione leaned down and pressed her lips to his forehead.

The spot burned delightfully when she pulled up, and Harry hummed happily, nuzzling his face against something soft and squishy.

(Years later, he would learn that he had been nuzzling her breast at the time and would be mortified. Hermione? She hadn't minded much.)

He vaguely recalled hearing voices as he fell unconscious in this beautiful angels grasp and woke up the next day in his least favorite place. The hospital wing.

Pushing himself up with a grunt, he fumbled for his glasses and scowled at the sight of the pajamas he wore. At the bed he was in. At the room around him.

His scowl faded when he caught sight of his two best friends. They had each pulled a chair up next to his bed and laid their head on the mattress. The invisibility cloak was just barely hanging on by their shoulders, making them look like bodiless heads.

Smiling fondly, he reached down to pull the cloak all the way up and then wake them, he paused.

Hermione's hair had mostly fallen out of the ponytail, the loose curls falling around her face and shoulders like a halo while she slept. One arm was tucked under her head for a cushion and the other latched onto the leg of Harry's pajama pants.

Ron's hair was sticking up in all directions, and he was snoring heavily, drool sliding down his chin and Harry felt his heart clench at the sight of them. 

His two best friends. He loved them so much. 

Harry gently wiped away the drool on Ron's chin with his thin blanket and his eyes crinkled when Ron snuffled and turned his head. 

Hermione shifted, a small whine leaving her lips before she turned, moving closer to Harry and Ron in her sleep.

Harry went to soothe her when he froze. The warm feeling in his chest disappearing. His mind screeching to a halt. He loved his best friends.

Harry mulled over the past couple of months, thinking about when he and Ron had gotten into a snowball fight and ended up sneaking into the prefects' bathroom to warm up. When Ron had taken off his shirt his skin was bright pink, bringing new clarity to the constellations of freckles covering his back and chest. Something heated pooled in his gut, overwhelmingly strong at the sight of his best friend like this.

Harry recalled when Hermione and he had curled up on the couch one cool night in their fourth year. Before everything went to shit. He had laid his head on her shoulder and she had pulled his legs onto her lap, an arm around him as she read softly aloud. He had just listened to the soft tones of her voice, feeling safe and content as he drifted off, brown curls tickling his nose.

He loved his best friends. 

He loved Ron, and the way his blue eyes could light up so bright. The manic grin on his face when he was excited. The way he threw his head back when he laughed, his whole body shaking with it. The way he snored like a bear, the way he hogged the blankets when they shared a bed. The way he stood by Harry's side and swore to always be there no matter what.

Ron's eyes. His hair, his beautiful smile. His courageous heart. His brave soul. How bull-headed he was. How disgusting he was when he ate. How jealous he tended to get. How short his temper was. How foolish he could act.

And Hermione.

Harry loved Hermione. The way she bounced when she was excited, the way her curls bounced with her. The way she always had over a dozen quills and pencils stuck in her hair when a quiz was coming up. The way she giggled, laughing so hard she started to snort. The way she always had ink stains on her hands and clothes. The way her nose crinkled when she was frustrated or disgusted. The way her hair frizzed and poofed on foggy days.

Hermione's beautiful chocolate eyes. Her bouncing curls. Her big beautiful brain. Her strength. Her endless courage. How kind her heart was. How stubborn she was. How snooty she could act. How irritated she got when she was stretched thin. How her face turned puce when she got mad. How bossy she was at times.

He loved Ron and Hermione, he loved their cute quirks, their beautiful souls, their flaws. _ He loved every inch of them. _

When he realized this, his whole world shattered.

* * *

"You alright, pup?" Sirius asked softly, crawling through the hatch in the attic floor and settling next to Harry with a small 'oomph' sound.

Harry was sitting against a wall, his legs pulled to his chest and his arms wrapped around them, his forehead pressed to his knees. He didn't lift up his head, but he did turn his face to look at Sirius, the dark bags under his eyes prominent.

Sirius' smile fell a little and he nodded, wrapping an arm around his godson and pulling him closer. "Suppose that was a stupid question." He commented softly, squeezing the 15-year-old tighter against his side.

Harry had been distant all winter break, avoiding everyone. Even his best friends. No matter what anyone tried to do, they couldn't get the boy to stick around longer than a meal, he was always escaping to the attic.

Finally, Ron and Hermione had cornered Harry. The talk started normally but ended up with the three in a screaming match. Harry had screamed a final insult and shut the door behind him with a final slam. Brushing past the adults who had gathered outside his and Ron's room in concern, and fled to the attic.

Which led them to here.

"Sirius," Harry started, lifting up his head. Sirius tilted his head, his hair bouncing with him as he did so. Harry took a quick moment to appreciate the fact that his godfather was starting to finally look healthy. He tried to focus on the joy that welled in him at that, but in light of everything else going on? It kept slipping past his fingers.

"Have you ever been in love?" Harry asked softly, his chest aching as he did so. 

No one knew the truth about why he had been so distant. 

No one knew that Harry Potter, The Boy (or fool, if you asked Harry at this point) Who Lived, had fallen in love with not just one, but both of his best friends. 

He couldn't really place an exact moment on when it had started. Maybe it was when the three of them, young and impressionable, had gotten the brilliant idea to play truth or dare with the other Gryffindors in their second year. Just before the first basilisk attack.

An innocent enough dare involved Harry and Hermione kissing. Her lips nervous and chapped against his. The squeak he muffled when she cupped his cheek.

A different one daring Ron to try and lift Harry. His warm chest against Harry's skin, his breath on his neck. They had ended up falling on the floor with Ron on top.

It could've been in fourth year, with Hermione's gentle but earnest support, how she held him when the stress was too much, with Ron gone, the school once again hating his guts. Hermione was there to wipe away his tears, fall asleep with him and hold him close.

When Ron had managed to visit him over the summer, Fred and George helping him sneak out of Grimmauld Place under the watchful eyes of the order. Harry had been a mess. Cedric's death and Voldemort's resurrection heavy on his mind. The bruises from Vernon heavy on his skin. Ron had snuck in his window like some cheesy prince, tended to his bruises with a gentle hand Harry previously hadn't seen in his friend. Had stayed with him as he fell asleep, risking trouble by leaving the next day. 

That had been the first night the nightmares avoided Harry all summer.

Sirius puffed out his cheeks and flopped back against the wall. "Heavy question there, pup." He teased, and when Harry merely kept looking at him searchingly, he sighed and nodded.

"I've loved so many pup, your father and mother, Remus, Pet-" Sirius shook his head aggressively. Both of them getting tense at the mention of the rat.

"Anyway," Sirius brushed the bangs from Harry's forehead, his eyes softening when Harry sighed and leaned into the touch. "I assume you mean romantic love right?" He inquired, and Harry nodded miserably.

Sirius smiled sadly "Is our Junior Marauder in love?" He asked softly, trying not to spook the boy in front of him.

Harry shifted, his hands clenching and releasing nervously. "No!" He shouted before flinching and shrugging "Yes? I don't know!" He groaned and flopped back against the wall in a manner identical to his godfather.

He tangled his hands in his bird nest-like hair and tugged "Why is this all so confusing? Why do I have to feel like this? Why couldn't…" he trailed off, and Sirius watched him with concerned eyes, a small frown on his lips.

"Why couldn't what, pup?" He questioned softly, gently nudging Harry's hands away from his hair.

"Why couldn't I...why couldn't I just be normal?" He asked, his voice small. His vulnerable green eyes shot right through Sirius' heart, remembering his redheaded sister in arms looking the same way when she found out about being pregnant in the middle of a war.

"You know you can tell me anything right?" Sirius asked and Harry shook his head defiantly, closing his eyes tight. Sirius gave Harry a good shake.

"You can pup! We've got godfather-godson confidentiality and all that!" He joked, waving his hand through the air. He tensed and relaxed when a small giggle slipped past Harry's lips, warming him down to his very core.

"There's that handsome smile." The older man teased, gently nudging a fist under Harry's chin. The smile faded a little and Harry looked away. 

"I'm in love with my best friend." He whispered softly. Sirius blinked rapidly, how ironic that his godson was suffering the same fate he once had.

"Hermione or Ron?" Sirius asked, keeping his voice light and non-judgemental. Harry looked up at him hesitantly, his lips frowning and his eyebrows pulling down.

"I...both." he muttered, his shoulders hiking up. Sirius parted his lips in an o shape.

"I see." He said, looking up in thought. Memories were flying past his eyes. Memories of a time and place where he had fallen into a pit of self-loathing and despair, feelings for his closest friend swirling like an angry hornet's nest in his chest.

"It's wrong. I'm sick. A _ freak. _" Harry spat the last word like it was venom. His voice shaken as his body began to tremble. His eyes burned and that just made him angrier at himself.

"Woah Woah Woah!" Sirius startled, putting his hands on either side of Harry's face, wiping away a tear with a calloused thumb.

"You're not a freak! You're not sick! You're in love Harry, and everyone gets a little freaky when they're in love." Harry gave him a bitter little smile and Sirius sighed, placing his head on Harry's knees to gather courage for this next part.

"You're killing me here, pup." He stated quietly, his smile lopsided when Harry gave a wet little laugh. Straightening, Sirius sighed "Once upon a time, I was in love with my best friend." He began, and Harry's head whipped to look at him in shock.

"You were?" He asked, his eyes wide and curious. Just like Lilly, his eyes got greener when he cried, Sirius noted.

Nodding, the elder man continued. "Unfortunately my best friend saw me as a brother, and for 14-year-old me? That was the end of the world. I beat myself up over it, told myself that it was wrong, sick, disgusting." He paused and reached over to grab Harry's hand, squeezing it. This was for his godson as much as it was for him.

"Then, he started dating this amazing girl he had been pining over for years. I felt like dying you know? She was an _amazing_ girl, but I was so blinded by my own feelings, so angry at the world and my friend and this girl, that I was a total arse to her." Harry was watching with rapt attention, pieces sliding into place one by one as Sirius told his story.

"Finally, she snapped, this amazing girl put me in my place, asked me why I was such a dunce and demanded I tell her. When I broke down crying and confessing my feelings, she sat next to me, held me close and cried with me. For me. She apologized even. At that moment, I could see why he had fallen for her. She was truly amazing." Sirius shook his head with a sigh.

"I didn't recognize it at the time, but that's when I started falling for her too." Looking at Harry from the corner of his eye he asked "Do you know who those two were?" He inquired softly.

Harry wiped his face with a sleeve and sniffled "Mom and Dad?" He asked quietly, his eyes hesitant. Sirius gave him a sad smile, his eyes crinkling around the edges. "Bingo, pup."

"One day, when we were in 7th year, graduation right in front of us, for a school project we cast the soulmate revealing spell. Mine led to Remus." Sirius pulled up his sleeve with a little shake and showed Harry a charm bracelet on his wrist. It was silver and had ruins carved into the chains linking it together. Hanging from it, were four charms, a silver stag, a silver crescent moon, a blooming silver Lilly, and a small silver dog. Harry recalled seeing a similar bracelet on Remus once upon a time. 

"I was hung up on your parents, and Remus is straight, so we agreed to keep our bond platonic. Eventually? He and I were closer than ever, and my feelings for your mum and dad? Almost gone. I'll always love them, but my romantic feels faded away. Leaving nothing more than a scar and some pretty great memories." He gripped Harry's shoulder firmly and nudged his chin up so they locked eyes.

"I'll always regret never telling them how I felt. I don't think it would've changed much, but it would've given me closure in the long run, would've helped me heal more, and they deserved to know, truth be told. Now it's just another regret I have to carry with me for the rest of my life." Harry's eyes grew wide and frantic, he shook his head, standing up and stumbling away from Sirius.

"No! I can't tell them! They'll leave me! Or-or hate me! I can't Sirius! I can't!" He shouted, sobbing by the end of his sentence. 

Sirius shot up and pulled Harry into his arms, pressing his face into the boy's hair and rubbing his back soothingly; making small shushing sounds under his breath.

"It's okay. It's okay. I didn't say now, I just meant that one day, you might regret not telling them." Sirius explained, slowly sliding them both to the ground. Harry curled up against his chest and sniffled, his face ruddy and covered in tears and snot.

Sirius conjured up a rag and gently began wiping the boy's face, pulling his glasses off to clean them.

"It's gonna be okay Harry. I promise." He soothed, wrapping his arms around his godson and holding him close. Their breathing syncing as they sat in silence.

"Does it ever stop hurting?" Harry croaked after minutes of silence. Sirius worried his lip for a second, before nodding. 

"One day, it will." He swore, and Harry sniffled again, pressing his face into Sirius' shoulder. "What now?" He whispered. 

"You're gonna go downstairs and talk to Hermione and Ron, you're going to do what you've done for years, and be their best friend. Because even if its not in the same way, they still love you, Harry Potter." Sirius finished with a small kiss to the crown of Harry's head.

The boy who lived looked up at his godfather and gave a trembling smile. "Can we stay up here a bit longer?" 

Sirius melted a little and hugged his son closer. "A bit longer, pup."

* * *

"Love? You ready to go?" Hermione's voice shook the 29 year old man out of his musings. Harry looked away from the picture of Sirius on their fireplace and to his wife.

Hermione had her hair up in a loose bun and wore a beautiful light purple dress. "You look beautiful." He told her, his voice choked up. 

Her brown eyes softened and looked at the picture behind him knowingly. "Sirius' vigil starts in 30 minutes, Harry." She told him, kissing his lips softly and brushing the long bangs from his face.

"I'll be right there, there's just one more thing I've got to do before I leave." He promised and she grinned wryly. "Okay, but when we get there, you get to play keep our husband from eating all the food." She teased and when Harry stuck his tongue out at her she swatted his ass with her purse. 

Harry yelped and looked at her with an affronted gaze, she merely laughed and kissed his ear as she walked by, heading into the kitchen to wait with their husband Ron.

Harry looked at the photo, it was a picture of Sirius the Christmas before he died. His smile was wide and huge as he laughed, a drink in hand and his eyes sparkling. 

"Everything worked out, Sirius." Harry stated softly, his eyes damp, even after all these years, he missed Sirius more than anything.

"Happy Birthday dad." He told the photo of his godfather, before wiping his face and heading into the kitchen.

Shocked laughter escaped him as the second his feet hit the tile, Ron scooped him up in his arms and spun the shorter man around, pressing kisses to his face.

Hermione joined in, both of them showering Harry in kisses and laughter filled their happy home.

~Fin

  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> I hope you guys enjoyed! Feel free to send prompts to me here or on twitter @LunarEclipseLE  
Have a great day/night!  
Love you all!  
~Luna


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